The Mugger

Copied this from an email I received:

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before
last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
jacket.

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
reason.

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as
a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.  She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening.  Obviously you agree that it
is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge in your pants.  I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your
buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.  Then I went
and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the
gas station, -- on your credit card.  The guy with the big motor home
took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]  I then threw
your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb
.... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire
driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.  Ma
Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a
little over a day now, so what's going on with that?  Earlier, I managed
to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the
FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).  In a way, perhaps I should apologize
for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far
more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.  I wish you well
as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing
issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,
and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.  Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex